Off The Hook
Off The Hook
From Jail to Jokes: Ellie Coleman's Story
Ever wondered how a stand-up comedian balances the chaos of parenthood with life on stage? Our dear friend Ellie Coleman joins us to share her incredible journey from overcoming drug issues to embracing the joys and quirks of being a proud parent. With her signature humor, Ellie recounts tales of family antics and comedy adventures, including an unforgettable moment with a slushie at a wedding. It's a reunion that we didn't see coming, sparked by a dramatic jail encounter, and now we get to celebrate Ellie's remarkable transformation.
Dive into the laughter and camaraderie as we navigate the trials of fatherhood and comedic pursuits alongside Ellie. From setting slushie records to wrestling with rogue diapers, the stories are as heartwarming as they are hilarious. We explore the unique dynamics of working with a best friend as a boss, raising a child in a same-sex family, and the unexpected public mishaps that keep us on our toes. This episode is packed with personal anecdotes and genuine reflections that highlight the humor in everyday life.
Ellie also gets candid about the world of stand-up comedy, revealing the thin line between humor and offense in today's society. We discuss controversial political views, music preferences, and the ever-evolving journey of personal experiences. With a special nod to performing at a venue with a history as colorful as a strip club, our conversation wraps up with a nostalgic twist, reminding us of the power of authenticity and laughter as we navigate life's ups and downs. Tune in for a raw and real conversation that's as genuine as it is entertaining.
When people are released from jail, they have the responsibility to appear in court, but some of these people choose to go on the run.
Speaker 2:They go back home to mommy.
Speaker 1:And that is when these guys come into the picture. So sit back and listen to the Off the Hook podcast with chad and rob very fine people on both sides these are real stories, but the names have been changed what's going on, guys?
Speaker 2:oh shit, I'm rob, I'm chad and and we have A special guest with us today. Um, hang on, let me turn all this mess off. So, ladies and gentlemen, I want to present to you this. There's a. We have a woman beside us. She might she might kick your ass, but she's she's my best friend for a long time. I've known her for a long time. This is a very special episode because we'll get into it in a minute, but I got some good music for intro. So, introducing you to the most proud person I know, miss Ellie Cohen, yes, you like that, don't you? You like that, don't you?
Speaker 4:I do, but I'm already eating, so you got me and.
Speaker 3:Jeff and this bitch in the middle.
Speaker 2:All right. So all you people out there, so this lesbian chick beside me with the mullet Better, we love her half to death. Ellie how have you been, ma'am? I've been good dude, or do I say dude, I've been good dude.
Speaker 3:Good dude, chilling bitch.
Speaker 2:I'm so glad that we can finally get you on. We've talked about this for months. It's trying to get you on here, but trying to nail you down is hard Because you're busy. Yeah, man, it's better than before.
Speaker 4:That's for sure it is.
Speaker 2:So give you a little quick rundown about this episode. And why we have Ellie here is because Ellie was a friend of mine and started on some drugs and got in trouble and I saw her in jail, bonded her out, and we had to go get her.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dude.
Speaker 2:And she looks 100% different from that day.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you gotta make them guess where you found me, though.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, we're getting to that part. We're gonna get to that day, yeah. Yeah, you got to make them guess where you found me, though we're getting to that part. We're going to get to that part. That's like. That's like the biggest thing of the story. So so you have a, you have a baby now, and you and your wife how your boy, 14 months 14 months have you bought him any dylan hart shit yeah yeah, okay, how many more marble miles did that cost?
Speaker 2:I did too. September 11th of 2023. That was. It was just. It just happened to be that day and I was like fuck it, I put it down.
Speaker 4:That's a good day for clearing out smoke dude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is dude. So Ellie here, she is a great, great standup comedian. She has. I've actually went and saw her a few, a few times and and you know, I've actually went and saw her a few times and she's actually picked on me because I was there. But it's okay, that's part of the skit, right?
Speaker 4:I never called you out, you knew. Well yeah, you knew.
Speaker 2:Well, you looked straight at me.
Speaker 4:I was like what am I doing? I didn't do nothing. The Bob motherfucker that looks like a cop, All right.
Speaker 2:The Bob motherfucker that looks like a cop, All right. So this story here it started. God, how long ago was this? It's been?
Speaker 3:a while. It's been at least eight years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so I'm at all right. So before I even was a bondsman, I knew Ellie from like Ziggy's downtown here, Cause I was a bouncer and and, um, I knew her from there. And then I kind of lost track of her and I don't know where the fuck she went. I like and so I'm a bondsman now and I go into the jail and I'm writing a bond and I'm at the window and I look up and I do this. Really I'm like what the hell is that?
Speaker 3:The window.
Speaker 2:He's referring to is the intake where everybody sits and she comes up to me and she's bawling, crying, and I'm like Ellie, what the fuck's going on? And she tells me and I'm like, look, all right, we'll get you out, but here's the thing you got to get clean, you got to get your shit together and you got to get back on this horse. Okay, she's like, all right, no problem.
Speaker 3:I remember when we bonded you out you got a family member that called me. That was mad that we bonded you out.
Speaker 4:Oh, dude, that was Paula Coleman.
Speaker 1:She lost her bondsman license for being a huge fucking piece of shit and she's got a poodle fucking haircut dude. She used to try to call the jail and be like don't give her a bond.
Speaker 4:And they're like, yeah, stupid bitch, that's not how this fucking works. Uh, and then me and the ceos would just roast the shit out of her. So if she watches this, she probably can't afford the internet.
Speaker 3:But if she does happen to watch this, I'm still out, fuck you okay I didn't know that was gonna happen. I gotta be careful. I guess everything's gonna be stand-up for her oh no, that's not stand-up, that's just like's, just like honest opinion.
Speaker 4:Like I'm not even trying to be funny, okay well.
Speaker 2:Paula 18,.
Speaker 4:Well, so evidently you're doing all right, You're good, Sorry my grandma's funeral dude, and she just like picked up my baby, like we're cool, and was like passing him around like a fucking blunt in a frat house and I was like yeah, dude, I actually don't fuck with you, like if you could not touch my kid I mean it's lit. I don't give a fuck who died.
Speaker 2:Don't touch my kid, Okay so now that I feel lighter, you feel lighter.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm glad you do she got mad that we bonded you out.
Speaker 4:That makes it even better.
Speaker 1:She was like she's going to run on you.
Speaker 3:You better not do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do remember she was right on that. I do remember that now because she called. Yes, I do remember that now?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I remember.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, but I mean she had everything that we required and you know we decided she was a good breast and everything was good, yeah, so it was okay for a little while, for about a month, month or two you were doing everything you were supposed to do and all of a sudden poof.
Speaker 1:Ski-eet, yeah, ski-eet.
Speaker 2:You're gone Now. I just didn't hear from you. You want to answer your phone calls. I called like a couple of references co-signer. They're like yeah, we think she's bad off again. I'm like damn what the fuck man.
Speaker 4:I'm like this shit was busy, I remember, your tag dude, I'm about to come fucking find you.
Speaker 2:And I was like yeah. And so I remember talking to your mom and dad. At this time I said look, when I talked to your mom and dad I was like well, once I go get her, put her back in. You cannot get her out, she needs to sit and dry out. For a minute I was like I love her to death.
Speaker 3:I don't want to see nothing happen to her.
Speaker 2:I said but we got to do something, so once I go pull this trigger it's done. So they were like all right, no problem. And I'm telling you that story for a reason for later on in the episode. So I come in to the office here and me and Chad are sitting here talking about it, and I remembered Holly told me that she goes to the methadone clinic Of course I did.
Speaker 2:Every morning about 9, 10 o'clock, somewhere around there 8, 9, 10 o'clock. It was early in the morning so I said Chad, let's go sit in the parking lot and watch.
Speaker 3:I remember that.
Speaker 4:Me too.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I know you do, so we sit in the parking lot. Hey man, it looks like the Walking Dead out there.
Speaker 4:And it looks like a fucking Suboxone commercial.
Speaker 2:It does. It's crazy, it's horrible.
Speaker 4:You got Cookie Monster pajama pants and shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, tweety bird shirts you got 30-year-olds and stride rights and shit.
Speaker 3:Wake up and roll out, go get it, come in your car.
Speaker 2:We're sitting in the parking lot and we're like what the hell? Look at these. I'm like what the hell? And we're trying to figure out what you're going to drive up in. Well, you weren't driving. Somebody dropped you off in a little pickup truck.
Speaker 4:Yeah, ford Ranger, yeah, ford Ranger baby Ford Ranger.
Speaker 2:So she gets out and I'm like boom, there she is. And I said Chad, I said let's get her out the door. They said, okay, we jump out and we come running over there. And you didn't see me till that last minute and I had a taser on you. I didn't have a glock, I had a taser on you. It sounds better.
Speaker 4:I got a heart condition. You can't tase me.
Speaker 2:So we put her in handcuffs, let her get her last dose for the day.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That was kind of a. They were kind of being pricks about it. They're like hey, why are you? I'm like you can't be in here.
Speaker 4:I'm like yeah, fuck you, doc, you literally walked me to get a dose of methadone in handcuffs?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did, I mean, but you couldn't miss it.
Speaker 3:You would have been sick.
Speaker 2:I didn't want you to be sick While you were with me.
Speaker 4:I don't want you throwing up in the truck. Shit yourself tomorrow morning. Yeah right.
Speaker 2:I remember when I took you back there and the nurse was like here, no problem, and the doctor was like you can't be back here, sir. I'm like I took you back there and the nurse was like here, no problem, and the doctor was like you can't be back here, sir. I'm like, yeah, fuck you, dude. And he was just like, oh my God, he told me to go F off. I'm like, yeah, go screw her off. I ain't going nowhere, she's mine.
Speaker 4:I'm like kiss my ass, you think I'm going to let this dike slip out the back of me?
Speaker 2:Hell. No, you didn't have a mullet in so I couldn't grab it by the hair. No.
Speaker 4:I didn't.
Speaker 2:So you get put in jail. We put you in jail and you stayed in there for a hot minute.
Speaker 4:You were there for what?
Speaker 2:two, three, months, something like that. I think so.
Speaker 4:And so you got out. I can't remember which time it was.
Speaker 2:You got out and I remember you. You got up with me and you're like hey, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like look, no worries, we're going to get you a job, we're going to help you. We will. Still, we want to get you a job. You know I love New York and I'll keep an eye on you. That's my job. So we did, and you have been clean ever since.
Speaker 4:Six years.
Speaker 2:And we are so proud of you for that.
Speaker 4:Thanks Tim. I do still smoke weed, though. You know what I mean. If you see me with a joint, you don't need to call these motherfuckers. They know, they know.
Speaker 2:I ain't got nothing bad on me about you, so I gotta tell everybody this and then we can just joke out for the rest of the episode. Years later, I get an invitation in the mail to ellie and holly's wedding and it was lit, oh my god so so I get there and I'm just like I like I'm so happy.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm happy to be there anyway, just because it's you. But when I see you and and Holly, and how well y'all done together and and how you've gotten clean and just I've done so much with your life and such a little time between the end time that I got you to the end, I was, I was happy as hell. So I remember, when I got to your wedding, what we did on the corner um, what did we do? You brought me a slushie.
Speaker 4:Oh, dude, yeah, I was drunk by like 2 o'clock.
Speaker 1:We still.
Speaker 4:I got married three years ago and we still hold the record for most Jimmy's slushies consumed at a private event, really. So we had 26 gallons, and each gallon makes around about three gallons of slushie each gallon. A mix gallon mix around about three gallons of slushy each gallon of mix. We went through 26 gallons of mix, 26 times three.
Speaker 2:It was good.
Speaker 4:It was good I walked down the aisle with a slushy on accident.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was so worried as soon as I come up. I'm standing by myself, I'm single. At the time I'm by myself. And she comes at the time I'm by myself and she comes up and says what's wrong? Hang on a second, Like goes off for a minute, comes back with three slushies, Like here's you one, here's me one, hey, here's you one. And like we're all sitting there, I'm like, man, this is really good. And then you had a. Really it was. What was that station? What was it?
Speaker 4:Station number two.
Speaker 2:Station number two. It's an old fire station here in Wilmington they have weddings in. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome man that did. I got to tell you that was pretty badass.
Speaker 4:I loved that shit. Yeah, it was so cool. It was just like a huge party. That's all I wanted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was a huge party and then my son's going to pick me up.
Speaker 1:Remember that.
Speaker 2:And he'd go where's my drunk-ass dad? He's somewhere in there Yonder. I wasn't there, I was lit, and my oldest son he was 16, 17 at the time He'd come pick me up and come tuck me in the bed. That's you know. Know, this is what I get to do now, since my kids are older and I can drive now, like I'll go somewhere. If I had too much drink, hey, pick my, pick me up. So, uh.
Speaker 2:But while I was at your wedding, something happened there and I almost lost it. I got teared up, almost lost it, and I didn't say anything. But your dad came up to me and said thank you for being the dad. I couldn't be at the time when all that shit was going on. I was like, hey, no problem If I could change one person's life in this whole career of ours and Chad agrees with me, it's worth it. So this is a testament everybody to you can do it, you ain't got to. Yeah, exactly Like enough excuses. If this girl right here can do it, anybody can do it right that's pretty true so now, what are you doing now?
Speaker 2:anybody that?
Speaker 4:wants to do it can do it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the key.
Speaker 4:Then you're just gonna keep being an ain't shit, motherfucker dude you'll never, change. You can't make somebody want something.
Speaker 2:They gotta want it on their own and you've done a really good. I'm so proud of you. Elliot Ain't funny. I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4:I just, I just think it's cool.
Speaker 2:God, you look. Every time I look at you, I, I You're a different person From what I've seen behind that Glass, totally different person.
Speaker 4:Hell, yeah, I did. I mean she'll come get me again. Yeah, I'll come get you.
Speaker 2:We'll come get you. So Now, what are? We'll come get you, um. So now, what are you doing? What are you doing now, like, what are you doing with your life now?
Speaker 4:uh, so roofs, I do stand up. My best friend's my boss, so that's super cool, because I'm like, oh, dude, fuck you. And they're like I'm gonna call the boss, I'm gonna tell him. I said, fuck him too. You know what?
Speaker 2:I mean oh hell Well okay, you know, I see some Brad Allred in you a little bit Like has he helped you with the?
Speaker 4:I see some me and Brad Allred oh.
Speaker 2:Oh too. Okay, it might be that then. Well, I might have to talk to Brad next time I see him then.
Speaker 4:Yeah, brad, we're different comics, different styles.
Speaker 2:I haven't seen him in a while. What's he been up to?
Speaker 4:I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while either no shit. No, I mean he's doing comedy.
Speaker 2:Is he still doing stand up? Yeah, I don't know. Is he doing it around here or is he traveling more?
Speaker 4:Both probably.
Speaker 2:Oh really.
Speaker 4:Dude, I don't keep up with people. I had a baby and now I'm just like okay, so let's talk about you know I don't.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about the baby. How's it being a parent?
Speaker 4:a lot, a lot what do you mean? A lot like shitty diapers like I don't do shitty diapers. I've shit on myself. Enough, dude, I did not.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. How many times has he pissed on you?
Speaker 4:No, yeah, he pissed on me twice. I think I tried to do a shitty diaper. We were at Goody Goody on my house. You're gagging. No dude, oh it's better. He was like two months old, so we're in there eating and he shits himself. I'm like you know what, babe? I got it Because we're around people. We weren't at home.
Speaker 4:So I had to try and look cool and I was like I got it. So I go out to the parking lot and I lay him on the seat of my Subaru and I'm changing his diaper dude. And I just start gas, start gagging, and my wife is sitting in there looking at me through like tempered glass, so like she can see me, but I can't see her, so like I think I'm getting all slick and shit.
Speaker 2:She's probably laughing her ass off.
Speaker 4:And then I just start like projectile vomiting in the parking lot and she comes out and she's like you need help. And I'm like God damn it, you fucking take. So, I don't do shitty diapers, I do pissy diapers all day.
Speaker 2:That's fine, that's fine, yeah.
Speaker 4:And like he likes me more because like I don't do the diaper stuff. You know what I mean. Right so like when I roll up, I'm like look here, little motherfucker, like we're about to put pants on.
Speaker 2:I don't care, if you want to wear pants or not, we're going to put some pants on. How's he around? Is he a wild?
Speaker 4:one Dude. My mom says that he's as good as I was bad, and she's like 100% right. It's actually, yeah, dude, he's so chill and he's gotten in this new phase where it's almost like he knows who pays the bills. You know what I mean. I come home from work and he just wants me. He's just like ah, and I'm like God, you're so cute, dude, and it drives Holly crazy, which makes me like it even more.
Speaker 2:So how did this whole baby thing come up and work, we bought him we bought him.
Speaker 3:We bought him. It's at a flea market we bought him?
Speaker 2:Did you buy him? Was he like a little one of them, little like play plans with like 10 other kids?
Speaker 4:No, he was, he was still soup. He was, he won't bake. Jet. My mom's like, he's like so good, and I'm like, well, daddy, and then she's like, well, I hope you have a baby, just like you. And I'm like, well, he doesn't have any of my.
Speaker 1:DNA. Stupid bitch. I don't think that's how that works.
Speaker 2:Oh, how I mean was it? Was it easy process Cause? I don't think that's how that works. Oh, how I mean was it? Was it easy process Cause? I don't know. I like I've had mine the natural way, and that was on tequila. I just pump one in and I'm like, oh, don't drink.
Speaker 4:Oh shit sorry.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:You said don't do that, oh, I ended up paying child he said don't do that.
Speaker 2:Oh what. I ended up paying child support for 19 years and won the second one. I ain't seen her in 16 years. Jeez, yeah, Whee, yeah, speaking of Robbie, he's almost 16. He's got to have another DD. Oh yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's got a little Adam's apple, oh yeah yeah, he's got a little Adam's apple.
Speaker 4:Oh shit, hang on, oh fuck it, just mid-pod party.
Speaker 2:So it's funny. Over the years, you know, I've watched Chad's kids grow up and Chad's watched my boys grow up, and now every time I go by his house and I see the kids, I'm like God, asher, you ought to see him. He's his oldest boy. He's tall. Yeah, he's a tall boy, Dude I hope Cash is tall.
Speaker 4:I just want him big enough to beat people up.
Speaker 2:I love that name Cash.
Speaker 4:That's why I paid for him. Dude People are like you named him after Johnny Cash and I'm like nah dude. That's what.
Speaker 2:I paid for that month. How much was it enough?
Speaker 4:hey look, if you need somebody to give me a holler, I could do it on tequila oh god, dude, yeah, but then they'd have brown eyes yeah, you don't like brown eyes no, dude, we were talking the other night about we were watching the Squid Games and we were talking about harvesting organs and stuff and how blue eyes are special and you can get a pair of brown eyes for like 15 bucks for both.
Speaker 2:Really, I don't know, damn, I didn't know that, I don't know.
Speaker 4:They just seem like they wouldn't be desirable. You know what I mean. Like I've never been. Like damn dude, you got the most beautiful shit brown fucking eyeballs that I have ever seen in my life, babe, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've never done that. Well, I got shit brown. Chad's over there.
Speaker 4:He's like oh, I can get some Chad's eyes are so blue that when he gets old it's gonna like creep you the fuck out. You know what I mean? He's gonna have that leather skin and these eyes that just look like they're like looking through you that's what I'm hoping for oh my god, oh man, this is great for Tuesday morning.
Speaker 2:Is it Tuesday morning?
Speaker 3:It's Monday, it's fucking Monday.
Speaker 4:Short bus, shorty.
Speaker 2:So how long have you had this mullet, this last flowing mullet? Five years, it's been a while. You've had it for a while.
Speaker 4:I got it before they got cool, and then I had it while they were cool, and then I kept it after they were cool. So it's been through the whole wokester transformation. You know what I mean. And then there was a couple years where people saw me with the mullet and they were like, oh, she's one of us. And then I opened my mouth and they were like oh, she's one of them.
Speaker 1:What do you?
Speaker 4:mean by one of them. You know what I mean. Like they thought it was like a hipster mullet, Like a UNCW liberal arts major mullet.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean Maybe an Asheville chick.
Speaker 4:Yeah city Asheville.
Speaker 2:Like downtown.
Speaker 4:Asheville yeah damn Like not real Asheville. But you don't stink, no fuck no, stink, fuck not. People stink.
Speaker 2:Damn. That's like Like a two year old petroleo. Yes, they're disgusting, that's nasty, so you don't fall Into the category of the people that Hate Trump because they think he hates Gay people. No, dude, I hate all people. Yeah to the category of the people that hate Trump because they think he hates gay people.
Speaker 4:No, dude, I hate all people.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I don't blame you.
Speaker 4:They suck dude. There's been times I hated you.
Speaker 3:There's been times I hated you. I hate me most days. I'm sure we weren't your favorite that day, realistically, oh yeah, dude, I was like fuck these guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how'd it turn out? I got fuck but you know what you turned out to, a a wonderful, uh, young lady. Is that proper to say?
Speaker 4:I tipped somebody at Islands. I went to Islands last week. It's weird that y'all brought up is that the right thing to say? Because, like you know, like you would think that, like I have a pass, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4:Like you think I have like the gay pass, where, like I can do no wrong. And then I was in Islands and I ordered four tacos. Now, mind you, them tacos are a dollar a piece, dude. So I go up there and I'm like yeah, you know, thanks, girl. And I hand her 20 bucks for my four tacos and I'm like keep the change. And this bitch just looks at me no, thank you. Like just stares at me and I was like all right, have a good night. And she just stares at me and she's like you misgendered me. And it's like dude, that's fucking crap. Like you got long hair, you got your fucking tits out. I mean like it's they, them. And I'm like dude, like it, if I call you it, you're gonna be fucking mad about that shit too, dude, like what I got let me get that 13 dollars back to go take a fucking class on what to call you dude?
Speaker 4:fuck out my face I just tipped you.
Speaker 3:You need to let that slide I don't why you'd be like the dyke with the mullet's funny and if you give me 20, bucks, I'm gonna fuck yeah dude, I got more I want you
Speaker 1:to come back.
Speaker 2:I don't understand why do we have to change the English language because of somebody's feelings, and it just doesn't make sense to me. Them, hey, them, they, I'm like what's up? I mean just normal, everyday people. I think it's improper English I think Lil Wayne said it best.
Speaker 4:You know what I mean. Like hello motherfucker, hey hi, how you doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I don't. That's what I need to start doing. Then you won't offend nobody, but you call somebody Thank you. If you say you know, do some Southern stuff like thank you ma'am, Thank you sir, Vice versa, they get really upset with you. So now, like Heather tells me all the time babe, you're so mean, you don't say thank you or nothing. I was like hell. Every time I try I might offend some damn bodies. I don't say shit, no more, that's crazy dude.
Speaker 4:I had somebody tell me that I couldn't say faggot on stage. I was like bro, are you fucking kidding me? That's crazy dude.
Speaker 3:You get a pass. Here's the thing about stand-up, Stand-up.
Speaker 2:You're allowed to just go all out you should be, yeah, absolutely. Because it's an escape from reality when people pay money to come to a stand-up show. Yeah, and it's an escape from reality. It's something we can laugh at. We can all. Who the hell's calling me?
Speaker 3:Check those people out with those poles, like they're cross-country skiing. There's just all this talk.
Speaker 1:The poles are like.
Speaker 4:One of them's got the CNI dog.
Speaker 2:Everybody. When you're listening to this, we can see right out our front door. We can see people, all these old people walking by. With what are they called?
Speaker 3:They look like those poles you use when you ski man Like cross-country skis, you know the poles. But, like there's no skis, they're just on shoes and like poles and it's kind of funny looking.
Speaker 2:It's not that cold here, guys.
Speaker 3:We ain't getting no snow. They got high hopes.
Speaker 2:So back to that. So have you had any? What have you seen doing stand-up like with people getting pissed off? Have you seen like many people getting irate upset?
Speaker 4:a few times.
Speaker 3:I just roast them though do you dial it back any like? When you're like from what you would normally say, I say absolutely not I was about to say I don't think so.
Speaker 4:I think she does harder I had a headliner ask me uh, 10 minutes before a show, mind you, it's a motherfucker that I had never heard of. Um, he was famed, famous, famous for doing a Dodge commercial that came out when I was goddamn six years old, dodge. And ten minutes before the show the host walks up to me, or whatever, and he's like, hey, so-and-so wants us all to be clean for this. And I was like, well, you know so-and-so as a professional or so-and-so's booking agent, because most professionals have booking agents. I was like then they should have probably booked accordingly before asking me and y'all to do this. And they were like you're really not going to change your set. And I was like, no, why would I lessen myself to make you look better, like you're the headliner? Go up there and fucking headline, you bitch-ass motherfucker. I see.
Speaker 2:Dude, I don't care what career you're in. You got shitheads in every one of them, just like the bail bonding.
Speaker 4:No, I'm not going to like do worse to make you look better. Get the fuck out of here. No, I not going to do worse to make you look bad.
Speaker 2:Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to do better than you, so I can be in your spot one day.
Speaker 4:I'm about to butt fuck you in front of your audience, and I feel so good, oh God, I bet you got a bigger one than he does. Non-existent Nothing. It's bigger than hell Damn. That's bad. It's crazy dude. So Damn Damn that's bad.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, dude. So how's Holly doing? She's doing good, she's doing good.
Speaker 4:Yeah, she's doing good, she's handling the whole, you know. It's a lot, but yeah, she's handling it well. She does wedding coordination on weekends, some.
Speaker 2:I don't know. It'd be a while before I'd ever do it again. I'm tired of it.
Speaker 4:You've watched my life fall apart and come together. I've watched your marriages fall apart and come together.
Speaker 2:Look, I only have one that you saw.
Speaker 1:That lasted five months.
Speaker 2:Oh man, you can't fix this.
Speaker 4:It was COVID, I was bored.
Speaker 2:It was. That's right. I was in the house, all done with this lame lady. Yeah, that was a mistake, but we learn from our mistakes. Okay, I've had a few of them, okay, but it's all good. I'm just kind of chilling now. I'm over 40. I like just playing my guitar, that's it. You're such a dude.
Speaker 4:You're like, now that I got a good one, that it would probably be safe to marry him. I'm chilling. I'm good. You should not need a ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know I'm on a 10-year plan.
Speaker 4:Oh, there you go.
Speaker 2:I'm 10 years. I got eight years left now.
Speaker 3:He's a little gun shy after the previous experiences.
Speaker 4:Can you blame him? Okay, so it should have been like first red flag is hey, honey, let's go clear the fuck across the country and get married.
Speaker 1:Just us red flag red flag dude.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I don't give a fuck. If friends are there, fuck your mom. Let's just go clear across the country. I guess you could bring your kid, because at the time he's old enough to still need a babysitter. So let's just save money, throw him on the plane with us. That's pretty much it God damn.
Speaker 2:fuck you, Haley, Kiss my ass.
Speaker 3:Oh Lord, get some quarters so we can play the machines, you know, while you're there.
Speaker 4:Send them to the hotel lobby so y'all can fuck.
Speaker 2:Fuck you both. Kiss my ass, chad. Kiss my ass, oh shit. No, I really, I think Once I turned 40. What do he call it when dudes get old and have their like? Midlife crisis, yeah, yeah, so mine was. I'm going to play guitar and start a band, but it worked out. It's worked out pretty good. We've been doing a lot. We've been practicing a lot and it's been out pretty good. We've been practicing a lot and it's been doing pretty good. You got to come see us when we play.
Speaker 4:I'm still waiting. You do a Nicky Lane cover and I'll be there.
Speaker 2:Nicky Lane.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dude, I done sent you the songs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Some of them Dude it'd be a banger.
Speaker 3:I was expecting Indigo Girls.
Speaker 4:Nah dude.
Speaker 2:Which one is it? Dude, you could make a dude sing fucking, what's it called? Again, send the Sun.
Speaker 4:What is it? Send the Sun.
Speaker 3:You didn't even get my reference, did you Did?
Speaker 4:I go over your head.
Speaker 3:Indigo Girls.
Speaker 4:I know who the Indigo Girls are. I'm gay. I'm not that gay. I don't indigo girls I know who the indigo girls are.
Speaker 2:I'm gay, I'm not that gay all right.
Speaker 4:So if a dude did this, you'd have snail trails everywhere this is a banger dog and dudes are like no, that's gay, I can't do that. And then you got some little cut with a guitar on youtube, just buttfucking butt fucking Hit it and you could sing that dude. You wouldn't look like a faggot singing that. It's been hard, many miles between. That's not gay.
Speaker 2:I didn't say it was gay. Let's see what it says. Let's go fast forward, yeah.
Speaker 3:C, g, C F.
Speaker 2:So I can already looking at the chords on it. It's only like G, c, d, f.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dude, that's all any music is now. They're not hard anymore. That motherfucker looked like a Slim Jim the parking guy. Yeah, dude, he got that bright orange on and he's all tall and lanky like a Slim Jim waiting to be bought in a gas station. Sorry.
Speaker 2:All right, so I'll look into it. How about that? I'm going to keep looking into it. We're trying to put a lot of stuff together right now.
Speaker 4:You look, and when you find it, I'll be there.
Speaker 2:So what we did is.
Speaker 4:Just roll up topless like whoo.
Speaker 2:Oh shit, I'm like damn it, Ellie, Cover your titties.
Speaker 1:I don't have this stuff.
Speaker 2:Here's Cash over here going, I'd leave him at home.
Speaker 4:dude here's cash over here going I'm leaving my home dude.
Speaker 2:So what does he call you? He doesn't even talk yet, bro, oh what are you gonna have?
Speaker 4:but I'm, I'm mommy or mom.
Speaker 2:You know what's holly?
Speaker 4:mom. Okay, no, he just gets like double the attention. You know I mean like he's exotic. You know I mean like he's like a fucking bearded dragon. Yeah, dude, he's exotic, he's like a Merle Frenchie. So there's a ton of kids that have moms, and then there's a ton of kids that don't have dads.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:So to have two moms is pretty lit, because most kids have one mom, but there's a ton of kids that don't have any dad, so like you know, you get two moms instead of one. And then I was scared. I told my brother I was like you're going to have to like hunt with them and like fish with them. Hell shit, put them on a boat with me. I'll take a dozen my brother was like dude, you're a better shot than me.
Speaker 4:Like if I could ever think of a dyke equipped to raise a kid and not let him be a pussy like. You. Got this dog, you're good.
Speaker 2:Speaking of you, how's your brother doing? He's doing good. I don't know any of my neighbors. Hardly I don't talk to any of my neighbors and I just kind of I'm right down the water, I go duck hunting. I pick him up from time to time from his dock.
Speaker 4:Heck yeah.
Speaker 2:And we go out there and I got three houses now. Three, yeah, dude when the hell at.
Speaker 4:I got a duplex on Princess Place and then we got my mother-in-law's old house on Bonham.
Speaker 2:No shit, hey, good for you. I'm proud of you. Yeah, dude.
Speaker 3:On Bonham, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Led Zeppelin streets.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dude, page Bonham, I used to live on one of them, Montclair.
Speaker 2:It was right beside it.
Speaker 4:Oh, hell, yeah, dude, that's where I got to take the mini bike if I want to go to the gas station.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 4:Scoot, scoot. They're like you can't ride by here. And I'm like what?
Speaker 2:I lived there when Robbie was in kindergarten. Yeah, that's been a while back. Oh, because he's a sophomore now in high school, killing it in honors classes.
Speaker 4:He's so cute. Yeah, well, he ain't now, he's stinky teenager no, he's so cute, you gotta be nice to him, he's so cute, he's not the cute one like you thought he was he's different now he's built different. I'm telling you he's, he's changed don't be cute around me, I'll fuck, I'll hit ayear-old. We in the same weight class, robbie.
Speaker 2:You damn right.
Speaker 4:We in the same weight class cuz.
Speaker 2:So tell everybody about your shows coming up.
Speaker 4:Some of your stand-up Headlining in Jacksonville at the Playhouse on the 17th Sounds like a strip club. It actually is an old strip club, dude, and the first time that I performed there, I think like 10 or 15 minutes of my set was literally me just joking about them converting a strip club into a comedy club and like it was crazy. You know what I mean. Like they got me, like cause I used to use drugs. You know what I mean. Like we used to go to Myrtle beach.
Speaker 4:Like before I looked like a dyke and like go strip for money. To like come back. You know what I mean. Like so it was. It was weird. Um, just like getting ready in a room where, like, so many hopes and dreams have died. You know what I mean. Like that's crazy.
Speaker 2:I was like this.
Speaker 4:I was like this is fucking depressing. I gotta get ready outside.
Speaker 2:Myrtle Beach is horrible. Myrtle Beach is We've been there tons.
Speaker 4:Did the dollhouse was lit man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was God. It's been so long.
Speaker 4:The dollhouse.
Speaker 2:Excuse me.
Speaker 3:The dollhouse. Excuse me, Two E's not one.
Speaker 2:Are you doing anything here locally? Yeah, I got station number two coming up when you got anything here locally.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I got um station number two coming up. We got married where I got married at yeah, they're awesome. Um, we roll some shows out there and, uh, that one's coming up january 25th it's actually a fire lineup uh seven o'clock okay.
Speaker 2:So everybody listen. If you would like to go watch miss colman here, do stand up. I would suggest to do it, because it's funny as hell. She's great. She's good at what she does. Chad and myself are very proud of her and I can't wait to see what you got coming up more in the future and I can't wait to see how cash gets. It gets older.
Speaker 4:He's going to be so cool.
Speaker 2:I know, do you have to do what I do with Robbie downtown with the skateboard, what? Let him skateboard up and down between Front Street and Water. Let him not heal, just send him. That's what I did. That's probably why he's open.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dude, You're trying to lose a skateboard man Shit.
Speaker 2:No man, he took it like a champ bro, he like he did good, so we get a speed wobble and it's game over.
Speaker 4:Dude, it's like whoa, sorry bud that's all right.
Speaker 2:So, um, well, guys, that's that's pretty much it for for today. Uh, yeah, thank you for coming on. It's been awesome, it's been great. I'm so glad to have you here. We're being glad, or me? And chad I'm being glad how are you glad me? Glad chad and I are very um. We feel good about you being here and we're glad you're here, so keep it up.
Speaker 4:I'm glad, dude, you called me last week and I got scared.
Speaker 3:I was like his motherfucker's going to tell me she's not even out on bond I got some warrant that I don't even fucking know about.
Speaker 4:He's about to be like hey dude. So I just got off the phone with a volunteer for the sheriff's office and he wanted me to tell you. I can't believe they got volunteers.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I know Volunteers are about to die.
Speaker 3:The ones in Brunswick.
Speaker 4:No, dude there's volunteers here and it's absolutely insane. Because, like dude. If I got pulled over by a volunteer, I'd be like what the fuck Screw it. Insane Dude. If I got pulled over by a volunteer, I'd be like what the fuck Screw it.
Speaker 3:See ya Voluntarily. Step away from my vehicle. I'm about to leave.
Speaker 4:Don't touch me, dude. You gotta wait right here till the real cops show up.
Speaker 3:They'll be here any minute. He's busy right now, but he'll be here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, alright, fuck you Bye. Yeah, like I said, I'm in Pendham County now. Other than going to the jails to write bonds, I don't deal with them. I've dealt with WPD here lately for some family stuff that we had Heather's niece passed away, and I'm not a big fan of WPD and their detectives. I can say that live on air because I don't like them.
Speaker 4:I get that.
Speaker 2:So I got my own, but once that's over with, it'll definitely get put out there when it's over with.
Speaker 4:Well, Donnie Williams retired.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know right.
Speaker 4:That's lit. He's the fuck out of there?
Speaker 2:yeah, but who do you gonna put in his place?
Speaker 4:um, maybe diddy. Yeah, I mean, nothing's impossible now. And that's 2025, dude, gotta include everybody 25.
Speaker 2:All right, so one last question before we get out of here. We only got a few days left to the 20th.
Speaker 4:Hell yeah.
Speaker 2:How are you feeling Great? Do you feel like something's going to happen between now and then?
Speaker 4:No, dude, I think they missed their shot already. That's how you could tell that like a liberal shot at him, because they missed Twice, twice they missed. No, dude, I think we're golden.
Speaker 3:Do you feel like any of your female rights are going to be taken away by Donald Trump?
Speaker 4:Nope.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 4:I don't think that Roe v Wade actually did no Okay just joking. We can always go to Washington DC and get abortions where the congressmen get theirs, so I think it's Okay. Just joking, we can always go to Washington DC and get abortions, you know where the congressmen get theirs. So I think it's fine. Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 2:True, yeah, true. You know what? Look, this is the whole Roe v Wade like.
Speaker 4:They just pushed it back to the state.
Speaker 3:So like if you don't like another state.
Speaker 4:Or move to it if you hate it. That much Just get the fuck out.
Speaker 2:Skedaddle. Leave it up to the states. To me, I don't think this is the reason why Trump did that. It's because he's tired of it being a political pawn when it comes time for election. Oh, I'm against it, oh, you're a for it.
Speaker 4:You know, you know I didn't even get legally married. When I got legally married, cause, like my thing is like I support the politicians that support me, which is none of them Uh, so when my dad asked me who I was going to vote for, I said the motherfucker. That's not a politician. You know what I mean. And that's who I voted for. He's a piece of shit, but he's not a fucking politician. You know what I mean. Like I'm a piece of shit, I'm cool with that. That's fine. Like dude didn't pay taxes. I wish I couldn't pay taxes, that's awesome.
Speaker 3:That's what makes me smart, that's what he said, yeah.
Speaker 2:If you don't like it change it, I don't care. But he's smart, he's smart, he's smart business, he's smart business, man.
Speaker 4:But he's a piece of shit. But that's cool, they're all they are Every single one of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, every single one of them.
Speaker 4:And you catch me on the right day. I'm a piece of shit. You know what I mean. Catch you on the right day.
Speaker 2:Chad appreciate you a whole bunch Gang gang.
Speaker 3:Thank you, for having me. I can't wait to see.
Speaker 2:Cash and chill out with him for a minute. He's huge.
Speaker 4:He's like 30 pounds. Damn, he's big as fuck.
Speaker 2:Damn Did he like? Was the daddy like Eating cheeseburgers?
Speaker 4:Normal sized dude. Normal sized dude.
Speaker 2:I don't know Well.
Speaker 4:He built like Chad. He just sits like this. He can't even put his arms all the way down.
Speaker 2:Like Chad, he's just like At 14 months, at another year, cash will be sitting right there. He can't even put his arms all the way down like Chad. He's just like Cool At 14 months. At 14 months.
Speaker 3:In another year, Cash will be sitting right here. I'll take him to the gym with me. He's at preschool.
Speaker 4:Say something, bitch, say something.
Speaker 3:I ain't even got no neck motherfucker Say something, say something.
Speaker 4:I'm going to turn my whole body to hear you say it.
Speaker 2:Oh well, oh well, oh, hang on, I might have a sneeze. Ever since I quit smoking, I sneeze all the time. Now, Weirdo, weird, anyway, well, that's it for this episode. Everybody, if you like what you hear, you can see us on YouTube at Off the Hook Podcast on YouTube. Check us out on all the streaming platforms Spotify, apple, the whole nine. But until then, I'm Rob, that's Chad, I'm Chad and this is Ellie Coleman. There you go. We love you, we mean it.
Speaker 1:We'll see you Later guys, I'm Chad, you've been listening to Off the hook with Chad and Rob. We hope you've enjoyed the show. Make sure to like, rate and review, and be sure to follow us for notifications for another exciting episode. But in the meantime, you can go to our website at wwwoffthehookbillcom to see more. So until next time, stay out of trouble, or it'll be you that needs to get off the hook. See you soon.